Self, My

I realized something about myself last night and its pretty moronic. Like everyone, I have good days and bad days, motivationally. On good days, I feel good about what I've accomplished (in that vein, nothing, in my opinion, matches the simple pleasure in the task of making long grass uniformly shorter). But on bad days, I totally put-off the chore or thing I see as my least favorite thing I need to get done. It stays put-off, avoided sometimes for weeks, until something comes along that is much worse. Then I do the formerly-least-favorite thing with zeal. Why wouldn't I? Compared to this new impending worst thing, the old chore is practically my favorite in the world.

Example 1: In college I would procrastinate and put off writing a paper until the night before it was due. Obviously I would choose that night to clean my room. Only after I had performed a Cleaning Lady rampage; the room spotless and smelling of pine-sol, could I sit down and begin typing out my paper. It also helped that it would now be late enough that fear - of not handing something in/ failure/ ridicule/ look of disgust on parents faces/ banishment from school (where I liked to drink) - could prod my inherent lack of desire to think into action.

Example 2: Recently, Amy and I spilled some red wine on a white wall in our apartment. We tried washing it off, hiding it, leaving it and getting used to it. That didn't work. This stain was right when you walked in the door and was beginning to get annoying and unsightly, not to mention it was fucking up my chi. So we gathered painting supplies from my Dad (nudges about wine not being good for playing catch), went to Menards to get paint, scotch-taped the base board, removed outlet covers, moved furniture and even laid down a drop cloth. Still couldn't bring myself to do it. A week went by of me laying on the couch trying not to look at the wall and then Amy called with a list of shit in need of ASAP attention. These things did not sound like fun and were promptly moved to the top of the least favorite list. You know what instantly sounded like a blast? Painting the wall.

Example 3: Here's something that's been on the list for about 6 months. We have two cable boxes in our apartment. Ideally, this would mean I could watch the game on one TV while Amy watches her crap on another. However, about 6 weeks after setting up the cable, my TV's cable just stopped working. I called the cable company twice and both calls were infuriating, as happens when speaking with polite idiots. Both calls ended with me being told my cable would begin working in the next day or so. Basically, I'm still waiting for 'or so'. The cable doesn't work and Amy makes me watch her crap now and then, but that fate is far better then calling the cable company. Its not like its that big a deal, I just don't feel like doing it. And yes I might still be paying five bucks a month for a cable box that I know doesn't work, but at least I won't waste more cell phone anytime minutes only to get a polite run around, or even worse; have to schedule a cable guy day. This thing will stay somewhere in the middle of the list until we move out of our apartment. But then it will take care of itself.

In doing this, I must sabotage myself constantly. How far reaching and deeply rooted is my desire to avoid imagined discomfort? The manifestations (and subsequent unmanifestation) of non-painful pain and the headgame of avoidance should probably be controlled. Maybe I should listen to my Tony Robbins CD's again. Perhaps I'll become a To-Do list person (with a day-planner and a file for all my glorious, completed To-Do lists). Or maybe it will just take care of itself.